The Scary Side

When I first received the call about the possibility of having my daughter placed with me as a foster child. I was the educated know-it-all. I thought, "I know about HIV, I've heard about it, I've looked up some on children who convert to negative within the first 14 months of their life, etc. I know it's "hard" to "catch." I know it's not something to be scared of." I saw in my mind a 3 year old girl in need of a home.

Then she came. Let me tell you, the first night of ANY foster placement sends my stomach into twirls. I am nauseous and unable to sleep. I think repetitive thoughts on why? is this the right placement? what was I thinking? On ANY foster placement. Every single one has been like that. Every one. So for my daughter's, it was no different, only my thoughts added the HIV component. Have I gone too far? Have I threatened the health of other children in my home? Did I make the right decision? I was ready to call the next morning to tell them I couldn't do it. (But I think that every time!) And by the next morning, I feel revived. I wonder what was I even worried about, what was I thinking. The routine of taking care of a child begins and the fears melt away into caring, laughter, and eventually love. This placement was no different.

She was a 3 year old girl. She needed a home. She smiled constantly. She wanted to please. She loved attention. She was quiet, but laughed good when something was funny. Her medical "condition" faded into the background. It remains there for the most part even now. I "forget." I forget her "terminal" label. I forget. She is a child.

Her medicine was the hardest part. She must get 3 medications every 12 hours. I wanted to plan it so that no one at day care and then school would have to administer it, but also so that she took it before bedtime and not too early in the morning. She takes it at 7am and 7pm. The worst part is that one of them has to be refrigerated, so whenever we are anywhere past 7pm, her medicine must come with, and be in a bag with a freezer pack. Disney, the zoo, long trips, you name it. Plus, going on an airplane for vacation means a cooler with freezer packs and her medication. This time in our nation's security makes it hard. But that becomes routine as well.

A child with HIV is not "hard." Thinking of the future can be, but who wants to play the if/then/whatif game? I could do that with any child. What if they are taken? What if they went through something horrible in the past I don't know about? What if someone from their "past" sees them in public? What if?